I wasn't prepared for rekindling my previous label obsession and disordered eating when I decided to go vegan.
I was vegetarian on and off for 12 years before I decided to officially ban all animal products from my diet. It was on and off because I would fall back into my carnivorous ways, for I could not resist the smell of the maple-smoked bacon my roommate cooked up on Sunday mornings. That is, until I discovered the truth of what goes on behind the scenes in the meat and dairy industry and…I haven’t touched meat since. That was in 2017.
A History of Disordered Eating
While I was in middle school, my mother started documenting her food intake as a means to lose weight. Taking cue, I began to document my intake as well, but I didn't need to lose any weight. Suddenly, I was now focusing on what I was putting into my body and my list only contained low-caloric items such as fruit. "You can never be too rich or too thin," she would repeat. I didn't know what anorexia was, but I did grow up during the "Friends" tv show era; thin was in.
Thankfully, a year after unknowingly battling a disease I knew little about, I became friends with a girl who spent her free time eating whipped cream straight from the canister. I was cured. She was proud of her body and now I was too...for a while.
The onset of my bulimia was also unintentional. In college, I would binge on fast food after getting high, but as soon as I was finished eating, I would get sick. This became a habit and before I knew it, I was getting compliments on my weight loss. For 13 years, I struggled with bulimia head on. It got to the point where I would spend all my money on food to purge. I also battled an alcohol and drug addiction during this time and I would take breaks from purging when I consumed drugs that suppressed my appetite. I was a poor vegetarian bulimic alcoholic drug addict. #itiswhatitis
March of 2019 rolled around and at this point I was two months drug-free and without an eating disorder (ED). I had relapsed from drugs and my ED a minimum of at least 15 times over the years, but I was finally doing okay. One workday at lunch, I absolutely could not peel an egg. "That's it! This isn't right" I thought. I threw away the egg and decided to go vegan then and there. Suddenly, I was Nancy Drew, inspecting food labels, scouring the ingredients and inadvertently becoming oh so aware of the fat grams and calories each food item held. For a recovering bulimic or anorexic, this is insanely triggering. BAM! Now, I’m eating fewer fats/calories and purging my meals; a dangerous combination that left me depleted of energy, depressed and disappointed in myself. Being vegan made me uber aware of what I was putting in my body and not necessarily because I thought I was “fat” but because I feared gaining weight.
There had to be a way to enjoy a vegan lifestyle without purging.
I struggled as a bulimic vegan for 2 months. I was also working out nearly every day and began experiencing acute strains in my heart. Coinciding at this time, I relapsed back into my Adderall addiction. I do not recommend doing this and I am not a doctor, but the Adderall prevented the automatic reflux I experienced after eating, due to the bulimia. The pills masked my hunger and I ate less frequently and kept the food in my body. Hallelujah, my bulimia was cured!
But, this meant I was still addicted to Adderall. Eventually, I experienced my final mental breakdown while high on Adderall in July of 2019. I had just started volunteering at the humane society and I decided to make a promise to myself. I vowed never do Adderall again if I adopted the cat I had fallen in love with during my volunteering. That is exactly what I did. I adopted my sobriety cat, Anya, and we haven't looked back. Now, I am happily drug-free, without an ED and vegan!
In my experience, I don't recommend taking Adderall for any reason. It is highly addictive and has numerous side effects, such as anxiety, paranoia, sleepless nights, jaw clenching, dehydration, obsessive behavior and a whole slew of other effects which I experienced. My life is 1000% better sober. If you suffer from an eating disorder, please talk to your doctor or a psychologist for information on treatment.
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